Decisions? No, thank you.

I am a terrible decision maker. Which pair of socks to wear, what kind of cheese to buy with Ritz Crackers, whether to eat dinner and then get the mail or get the mail first for fear of nighttime hoodlums—the list goes on and on.

Why are the smallest decisions the hardest to make? It’s gotten to the point where, if I have to call someone on the phone, I jot down everything I need to say, anything I anticipate them saying, and what I’ll say in response. I outline my phone conversations before they happen. Not only is this entirely inefficient, it’s also completely crazy.

[Ordering Pizza Over the Phone]

Me: [to myself] Okay, crust, cheese, size, coupon. Location . . . what’s my address again? Delivery. Okay.

[Takes deep breath and exhales through mouth, making strange horse noise]

[Calls pizza place]

Pizza Man: Pizza Place, how can I help you?

Me: Hi, yes.

[Awkward pause]

I would like to order a small cheese pizza, pan crust.

Pizza Man: Delivery or carryout?

Me: [looking at outline] Delivery.

Pizza Man: What’s your address and a phone number we can reach you at?

Me: 1111 Secret Avenue, 22222. 333-444-5555.

Pizza Man: We have a special running today. Would you like to add breadsticks to your order at no additional cost?

Me: [to myself] Breadsticks!? NOT ANTICIPATED.

Pizza Man: Ma’am? Are you still there?

Me: Yes! Uhhmm, can I call you back?

[hangs up]

Dammit!

And then I spend the next five minutes wondering if I should get breadsticks. Meanwhile, my stomach is growling, the pizza man has thrown away my order but probably kept my phone number because I sounded sexy, and the free breadstick offer may or may not have expired. When I finally decide I do want breadsticks, I have to go through the entire process again. And chances are they’ll ask if I want to throw in a liter of soda.

I don’t even like soda.

This is a problem. Does anyone else suffer from small-decision making ineptitude?  

Hey, I also just realized that I could start ordering pizza online . . .