September 24, 2012

Tiny Ruffians that Want to Kill You

I love animals. Animals rock. They’re funny, adorable (for the most part), and essential for life on earth. But I’m not going to talk about animals today. Nope. That was just a set up for the cruel sentiments to come. Because you want to know what I hate?

I hate bugs.

Hate ‘em! They’re evil, blood sucking, stinging fiends. Even the cute ones like ladybugs will pee all over you if you catch them.

So, I venture out into nature for a day, sans ugly beast repellant, and this is what I get in return:


Me: Oh baby, you--you got what I neeed. But you say I’m just a friend. But you say I’m just a fr—

[Hones in on strange black spots on knees]

What the? [Picks at them] Those aren’t exfoliating beads. Those things are . . . moving. Oh. My. God. They’re TICKS!

[Turns off shower, accomplishes epic dry-off and dress time, runs sobbing to boyfriend]

Are these ticks!? Are these ticks!?

Boyfriend: . . . Yeah.

Me: OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD, OHMYGOD. What do I do!? Get them off!

Boyfriend: [Buries head under pillow]

Granted, I was dumb enough to go into the woods without wearing any bug repellant, but those jerks clustered everywhere. I probably had close to eighty seed ticks all over my legs. I’m not exaggerating. And now, weeks later, they still itch like hell and are producing a satanic, oozing sap. Not to mention, I probably have Lyme disease.

No more deer season. I’m starting a “stomp on anything smaller than a butterfly” season. Who’s with me? 


  1. I think we may be the exact same person.
    You just put one of my biggest phobias into words and made me laugh out loud at my computer in a public place, another awkward situation. Bugs are the worst!

    1. Ugh, we'll go on a bug hunt together.

  2. Eighty??? Really? I'm vomiting over here.

    But on a more serious note, did you check your hair? That's always where they hide.

    1. You have no idea. Eighty is just a safe estimate. I scrubbed my head a lot, but seed ticks are so tiny there's really no way to see them on your scalp. Hopefully they're all gone . . .
      Thanks a lot, Renee. There goes my sleep for the night.