Showing posts with label scary. Show all posts
Showing posts with label scary. Show all posts

November 13, 2012

Apartment of Leaves


Did you ever read a book that seriously scared you? Stephen King haunts my childhood (nice parenting skills, Dad!). I’ve long since gotten over my fear of resurrected animals and evil vintage Plymouths, but the book I’m reading right now has awaken a new level of paranoia.

House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski is fairly complicated to explain—but (generally) it's about a family that moves into a house only to discover that the inside of the house is much larger than the outside.

So while the neighbor's vacuum used to mean "Hey, the neighbor's vacuuming," it now means "A black hole is about to open up in the middle of my living room floor."

Before
A drunk person outside: “Please don’t throw up on the stairs. I have to walk down those in the morning.”
After
A drunk person outside: [Silent, wide-eyed terror] “He’s got a gun, and he’s going to shoot me in the forehead and leave a giant, bloody stain on the carpet.”

Before
Wind making moaning sounds: “Shut up.”
After
Wind making moaning sounds: “Oh my god. The apartment is building onto itself. And I don’t think it’s building a walk-in closet.”

Before
Airplane flying overhead: “Wonder where they’re traveling to/from.”
After
Airplane flying overhead: “Something at the foot of your bed is GROWLING. If you don’t move, it won’t see you. And then it can’t rip your throat out.”

I guess the fact that it's making me this crazy says a lot about the book. I think the main reason it’s so frightening is because it feels so real. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever read?

By the way, I made a Humor Her Facebook page for you to like so you can stay up-to-date with blog posts. Shanks, guys and gals.

October 3, 2012

Fleshy Pies and Singing Demons


It’s October!

Do you know what this means!? It means it’s almost time for Halloween (and my birthday). But more importantly, HALLOWEEN. Which also means that I’ve been thinking about the upcoming holiday for exactly two months. Seriously. I LOVE it. The pumpkins, the bat and spider web decorations, the scary movies, and let’s not forget—the candy and the costumes. 

I take serious pride in my costumes. I even wore my Kindergarten Pocahontas outfit to school for a week after Halloween. Here are some costume highlights from years past:

The Joker in his nurse outfit (I believe in Harvey Dent sticker included)

I keep raising the bar, and this year has taken some serious brainstorming. It usually comes down to a couple characters I love, a pop culture reference, something creative, and a classic. The great thing about this Halloween is that I’m living in an apartment, which presents the opportunity for trick-or-treaters.

And so, I present to you, a few of this year’s costume options. I’m counting on you to help me decide.


Possible Scenario:
[Trick-or-treaters knock on door]

Me: ‘Ello, little ones!

Tiny witch: What are you supposed to be?

Me: The name’s Mrs. Lovett—and I cut up children like you and bake ‘em into pies!

[Tiny witch and friends run away screaming]


Possible Scenario:
[Trick-or-treaters knock on door]

Me: Like, OHMYGOD, Happy Halloween!

Tiny ghost: [Squeals] You’re Draculara!

Me: Hell yes, I am.

Tiny ghost: She’s my favorite!

[Tiny ghost and I proceed to have a five-minute conversation about how awesome the Monster High dolls are, and I end up dumping all of my candy in her bag]


Possible Scenario:
[Trick-or-treaters knock on door]

Me: [Singing “Night on Bald Mountain”]

Tiny monster and friends: [Run away screaming and crying] “Mommy!”

[I get to keep and eat all the candy]


Possible Scenario:
[Trick-or-treaters knock on door]

Me: [Opens door and stands completely still]

Tiny Playboy bunny: Uhh, are we going to get any candy?

Me: [Remains completely still]

[Tiny Playboy bunny and equally risqué friends smash my pumpkin and walk away, cursing]

[I still get to keep and eat all the candy]

Help me choose, friends. I love them all. Do you have any great Halloween plans?