Procreate for the Right Reasons

Having kids has never really appealed to me. I just don’t think I’ll ever be able to give up impromptu movie marathons, traveling, or late-night reading. Or sleep. Yeah, I’d like to maintain a healthy relationship with sleep. But it’s been brought to my attention that there are three perfectly legitimate reasons to procreate.

1. Candy: Unfortunately, you can’t get away with trick-or-treating after a certain age. If I had kids, I’d convince them that the Great Pumpkin gobbles up children who don’t share with their parents.

2. Toys: For some reason, when toys show up on my Christmas wish list, my grandmother thinks I’m joking. Anything with a choking hazard, like, say, a Monster High Doll, would be MINE. It’s called being a responsible mom.

3. Playgrounds: Having a kid at a playground is marginally more acceptable than fighting over a swing with someone else’s five-year-old.

It’d be totally worth all the diaper changes and temper tantrums, right?  

Sugarsugarsugarsugarsugar

Happy day after Halloween! I hope your stomachs are full and your candy bowls are empty. I’d like to share with you something that I think will make your future Halloweens a little more enjoyable. I’ve been following this ritual for a few years now, and I think it's helped me the recover in the days after Halloween.

This is my Halloween Diet.

Don’t be scared off by the word “diet.” Because this is really the best kind of diet—the kind where you eat more than you usually would, and not less.

Now that we’re adults, there’s no one more adult than us limit our candy intake. Remember the days when we could only eat a few pieces before bed, and when we woke up our candy bags were nowhere to be seen? Those days are no more, and it’s time we take advantage of it.

In order to enjoy Halloween candy to its fullest and binge-iest, it’s important to prepare in advance so you don’t suffer from stomachaches or throw up your Pixie Stix and ruin your Halloween night.

A few days before, just start gradually increasing your daily intake of sugar. You might suffer from twitches and spasms at first, but those will soon become fun. The day before Halloween, don’t eat any sugar. It’ll be the hardest night of your life (unless you’re a recovering crack addict), but just remember that you’ll be able to eat all the candy you want in one day.

Then, on Halloween, BINGE, BABY, BINGE.

Oh, and if you never figured out what my costume was: