Here's to the Promises You Don't Intend to Keep

Oh, hey there, good people. Sorry it’s been so long. Something finally woke Mama Bear from her cookie-induced hibernation. It was the promise of Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice and a big, shiny ball.

You know why no one can ever keep their New Year’s resolution? I think it’s because we always pick something that’s just too hard to do. When I first started this blog, it was my goal to post twice a week. But things have been really busy at work lately, and the weekends have been full of baking, eating, and family reunions, so while it broke my heart to abandon you over the holidays, I just couldn’t find the time to post.

So, like any true American, my New Year’s resolution is to do something this year with a little less conviction than I did last year. Instead of setting a goal to post twice a week, I’m just going to make myself sit down at the computer for one hour every week. However many posts I can churn out in that time, well, that’s what you’re getting. God bless America.

And now, in honor of the New Year, I give you easier alternatives to some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions.

Common Resolution: Lose weight. Get healthy.

Alternative Resolution: Alright, you can diet. But it has to be the Cookie Diet. Dr. Siegal is a wise man: “Hunger wrecks diets!”

Common Resolution: Learn something new.

Alternative Resolution: Watch a movie about someone who learns something new. Like that Chasing Mavericks movie I never saw where Gerard Butler pretends to be Matthew McConaughey and teaches a kid about surfing and six-packs. 

Common Resolution: Get out of debt.

Alternative Resolution: A lottery ticket. A ski mask and a bank. A sugar daddy. The possibilities are endless for this one.

Common Resolution: Spend more time with family.

Alternative Resolution: FaceTime those suckers. It’s the twenty-first century.

Common Resolution: Be less stressed.

Alternative Resolution: Drink a little more.

Common Resolution: Drink less.

Alternative Resolution: Just drink something with a stronger proof. (Kidding, kidding.)

Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve!

Best Holiday Ads of 2012

I know, I know; everyone hates ads. Except for the nerds who like them . . . or make them for a living. But, we all like holiday ads, right? Apparently I’m a bit of Grinch this year, because I could only find FOUR holiday ads from 2012 that I enjoyed. And as I’m sure you’re all aware, the internet is a big place. A big place with a total of four good holiday ads.

But put on your fuzzy socks and hold on to your hot cocoa, because I’m about to share some commercials that will warm your holiday spirit.

Alright, people. This ad has panthers, a giant Christmas tree, AND the music from Edward Scissorhands. And, honestly, it’s probably one of the most visually beautiful ads I’ve ever seen. Watch Cartier: "Winter Tale."

FedEx had a great series of short and cheeky holiday ads this year. And they’re all about last-minute gifting. Love ‘em. This one’s called “Camp Out.”

This one’s “Last Minute."

And, of course, “Santa.”

And if you’ve stuck with me to this point (you’re a nerd too), we’ll top it off with a few of my all-time favorites.

Hershey’s “Christmas Kisses.” Can you imagine how challenging it would be to actually play miniature hand bells?

 

It’s crappy quality, but it’s a classic. Gap’s “Mountains.” Anybody could dance to that music.

I love an overused insight with a twist in the execution. Target’s “Running Santa.”

Oh, the nostalgia. M&Ms “Christmas Faint.”

I saved the cutest for last. Coke’s “Penguins and Polar Bears.” Don’t Penguins make the most adorable noises when they’re sharing Coca Cola?

Maybe the great holiday ads of the year are yet to come. Does anyone have any favorites so far?

The Poor Girl's Gift Guide to the Holidays

If you haven’t finished your holiday shopping yet, GO NOW. Seriously. The mall is getting worse and worse. Better yet, just skip the mall and save some money. Make something. Write something. Bake something for your loved ones.  I always say I’m going to do this, but consumerism gets the best of me every year. Yeah, I’d scarf down a boxful of cookies, but I’d still rather have those Rocket Dog shoes.

So do as I say and not as I do. Keep the extra dough and get inventive. No one really deserves presents at Christmastime. You’re doing them a favor by just using up oxygen to wish them “Happy Holidays.” Let’s brainstorm for a minute.

The Poor Girl’s Gift Guide to the Holidays:

Siblings: The pair of socks you keep meaning to throw away

Significant Others: Your old toothbrush (they shouldn’t mind the spit)

Parents: A phone call (but only on weekends and nights when the minutes are free)

Grandparents: An email with some kind of attachment (preferably not a nude photo)

Best friend: A friendship bracelet made out of the hairs you found at the bottom of the shower

Pets: Whatever scrap of food has been clogging the garbage disposal

Boom. I just saved you a last-minute shopping crisis and some extra cash. Happy Holidays, people. 

Sorry that was mildly disgusting. 

Grumpy Cat

I am all about this grumpy cat meme.

He hates plants. Right on, cat. What have plants ever done for us?
He likes it when people de-friend him on Facebook. No time for the haters.
He hates everyone. But I bet he'd like me.
He thinks having fun is horrible. But that's probably because his owners told him bath time would be "fun."
Mufasa offered him everything the light touches. He refused it. That's just ballsy.

I think grumpy cat and I would get along just swell. That sweet, crotchety face melts my heart.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, enjoy what I believe to be the best Grumpy Cat meme. Courtesy of my friend Kelsey.

Adorable, right?

Let's Play Pretend

It’s the holiday season. Which can get depressing really fast if you can’t afford that $1,500 HDTV or even the $30 Godiva Chocolate Peppermint Bark. Renee and I discovered a great way to remedy this depression. It’s called let’s pretend we’re someone else at the department store. And it is the best game ever.

Here’s how you play:

Grab your friend, head to a Dillards, Macys, or if you’re feeling really ritzy, a Nordstrom near you. Then grab a handful of dresses (or nice suits) to try on. It’s best if you grab some you genuinely like, some that are godawful ugly (these are usually abundant), and a couple with price tags that could put you in debt. Try them on and compare with your friend.

Me: Why do all these dresses fit so well?

Renee: Because they’re worth more than our lives.

Me: Oh. The dress I’m about to try on is $350!

Renee: Don’t leave any deodorant stains on it!

Me: [Tiptoeing into the dress] I don’t think I can do this. I’m too scared. What if I leave a Suave-conditioned hair on it? Will they make me buy the dress?

Renee: What is the zipper gets stuck? I’m going to be too scared to un-stick it.

Me: Zippers don’t get stuck on dresses that cost more than $50.

The tricky part comes when you’re leaving the fitting room. Try not to make eye contact with the fitting room attendant, because they will undoubtedly ask you questions that make you feel guilty for pretending to be interested in these clothes.

Attendant: Let me guess. They didn’t work out.

Me: [Whispering to Renee] Is she assuming we’re poor?

Renee: [Whispering] She’s not assuming. She knows.

Me: Yeeeah . . .

Attendant: [To Renee] I see you like green. Did you see the green pea coat we have for $575?

Renee: Oh, yes. Yes . . . it’s lovely.

Attendant: What’s your size?

[Renee and I look at each other in a panic]

Me: [Crying] Listen lady, we’re poor, okay!? We can’t buy anything here. We love these dresses. Really, we do. [Sob] They made us feel like Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf.

Attendant: Who?

Me: [Bawling] They’re fictional socialites from a show on the CW.

Attendant: The CW?

Me: [Places dresses nicely at attendant’s feet] We’re so sorry. So sorry. [Grabs Renee and runs for the exit]

Renee: [Over her shoulder] We didn’t leave any deodorant stains!

It’s not illegal to try on dresses that are way out of your budget, right? It’s all in good fun, and for a while, it’ll bring a holiday glow to your cheeks. You should try it, but don’t blame me if you get arrested for breaking a zipper.