Here's to the Promises You Don't Intend to Keep

Oh, hey there, good people. Sorry it’s been so long. Something finally woke Mama Bear from her cookie-induced hibernation. It was the promise of Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice and a big, shiny ball.

You know why no one can ever keep their New Year’s resolution? I think it’s because we always pick something that’s just too hard to do. When I first started this blog, it was my goal to post twice a week. But things have been really busy at work lately, and the weekends have been full of baking, eating, and family reunions, so while it broke my heart to abandon you over the holidays, I just couldn’t find the time to post.

So, like any true American, my New Year’s resolution is to do something this year with a little less conviction than I did last year. Instead of setting a goal to post twice a week, I’m just going to make myself sit down at the computer for one hour every week. However many posts I can churn out in that time, well, that’s what you’re getting. God bless America.

And now, in honor of the New Year, I give you easier alternatives to some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions.

Common Resolution: Lose weight. Get healthy.

Alternative Resolution: Alright, you can diet. But it has to be the Cookie Diet. Dr. Siegal is a wise man: “Hunger wrecks diets!”

Common Resolution: Learn something new.

Alternative Resolution: Watch a movie about someone who learns something new. Like that Chasing Mavericks movie I never saw where Gerard Butler pretends to be Matthew McConaughey and teaches a kid about surfing and six-packs. 

Common Resolution: Get out of debt.

Alternative Resolution: A lottery ticket. A ski mask and a bank. A sugar daddy. The possibilities are endless for this one.

Common Resolution: Spend more time with family.

Alternative Resolution: FaceTime those suckers. It’s the twenty-first century.

Common Resolution: Be less stressed.

Alternative Resolution: Drink a little more.

Common Resolution: Drink less.

Alternative Resolution: Just drink something with a stronger proof. (Kidding, kidding.)

Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve!

One Year Closer to Death

Tomorrow is my 23^rd birthday. So instead of moping around my apartment, eating a Midnight Milky Way and checking my roots for traces of silver, I thought I’d reflect on all the things I’ve done in my 22^nd year of life. Nothing jogs the memory like social media, right? So I’m going to have a look back at my last year of social networking and judge how great year 22 was by how many retweets I got (But not really. That’s pathetic.).

Facebook tells me:

• I had an awesome internship that threw me a sweet 22^nd birthday party with their whiteboard covered in “22 Things We Know About Beta.”
• I nearly killed myself working on the NSAC Nissan account, and loved it.  
• I got pissed at the Commons for repeatedly putting meat in my vegetarian stir-fry.
• My roommate and I had our drinks paid for by the only French men in Springfield.
• I saw my little sister graduate from high school, and I graduated from college.
• I got a job with an incredible company, doing something I love.

Twitter tells me:

• I was stoked about a $30 paycheck on my 22^nd birthday.
• I chatted with an old man on the phone, even though he had the wrong number.
• I learned way more about Millennials and Nissans than I ever wanted to know.
• I threw a fit (and rightly so) when Bradley Cooper was named “sexiest man alive.”
• I became obsessed with American Horror Story.
• I started a short-lived vlog. It was weird. 
• I saw Incubus live for the second time. Which means I also saw Brandon Boyd half-naked for the second time.

Goodreads tells me:

• I read (and loved) Le Petit Prince.
• I finally gave into (and loved) The Hunger Games.
• I read (and loved) lots of awesome books.
• Surprise, surprise. I really like reading.

Pinterest tells me:

• My sense of humor is usually cat-related.
• I (laughably) think I’m going to be able to afford a loft in New York someday.
• I have a passion for what I do.
• If I could, I would only wear black, white, and stripes.
• I should probably be obese.

That sums it up. 22 was the best. I’m gonna go eat a Milky Way now.