December 1, 2012

Let's Play Pretend

It’s the holiday season. Which can get depressing really fast if you can’t afford that $1,500 HDTV or even the $30 Godiva Chocolate Peppermint Bark. Renee and I discovered a great way to remedy this depression. It’s called let’s pretend we’re someone else at the department store. And it is the best game ever.

Here’s how you play:
Grab your friend, head to a Dillards, Macys, or if you’re feeling really ritzy, a Nordstrom near you. Then grab a handful of dresses (or nice suits) to try on. It’s best if you grab some you genuinely like, some that are godawful ugly (these are usually abundant), and a couple with price tags that could put you in debt. Try them on and compare with your friend.

Me: Why do all these dresses fit so well?

Renee: Because they’re worth more than our lives.

Me: Oh. The dress I’m about to try on is $350!

Renee: Don’t leave any deodorant stains on it!

Me: [Tiptoeing into the dress] I don’t think I can do this. I’m too scared. What if I leave a Suave-conditioned hair on it? Will they make me buy the dress?

Renee: What is the zipper gets stuck? I’m going to be too scared to un-stick it.

Me: Zippers don’t get stuck on dresses that cost more than $50.

The tricky part comes when you’re leaving the fitting room. Try not to make eye contact with the fitting room attendant, because they will undoubtedly ask you questions that make you feel guilty for pretending to be interested in these clothes.

Attendant: Let me guess. They didn’t work out.

Me: [Whispering to Renee] Is she assuming we’re poor?

Renee: [Whispering] She’s not assuming. She knows.

Me: Yeeeah . . .

Attendant: [To Renee] I see you like green. Did you see the green pea coat we have for $575?

Renee: Oh, yes. Yes . . . it’s lovely.

Attendant: What’s your size?

[Renee and I look at each other in a panic]

Me: [Crying] Listen lady, we’re poor, okay!? We can’t buy anything here. We love these dresses. Really, we do. [Sob] They made us feel like Serena van der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf.

Attendant: Who?

Me: [Bawling] They’re fictional socialites from a show on the CW.

Attendant: The CW?

Me: [Places dresses nicely at attendant’s feet] We’re so sorry. So sorry. [Grabs Renee and runs for the exit]

Renee: [Over her shoulder] We didn’t leave any deodorant stains!

It’s not illegal to try on dresses that are way out of your budget, right? It’s all in good fun, and for a while, it’ll bring a holiday glow to your cheeks. You should try it, but don’t blame me if you get arrested for breaking a zipper.

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