Do the Creep

I’m a quiet person. I like to observe conversations before participating in them. Doesn’t sound too out of the ordinary, right? Nothing creepy here. Well, when you don’t talk a lot, you have more time to do two things:

1.  Listen

2. Stare at people

The first has come in handy. People like good listeners for some reason. I don’t really care if people are listening to me, unless I have something important to say. Most of the time I’m just babbling on about how good my spinach burger is. And how good can a spinach burger be, really?

Watching people while they speak is polite. It’s an indication that you’re listening. Staring at people happens when you continue to smile at someone after they’ve finished speaking. Or when you watch other people’s reactions instead of the person who’s talking.

Essentially, staring at people makes you a creep.

But I can’t help it! I love faces. All so different, all so expressive. It’s not my fault that your asymmetrical eyebrows are more interesting than the words spewing out of your mouth.

When you spend a lot of time staring at faces, this happens:

Me: [Wandering up to someone I see at the mall] Hi!

Stranger: Hi! [Thinking: “This girl’s exceptionally friendly.”]

Me: Oh! Do you work here?

Stranger: Yeah. [Wait. Why else would she say “hi”?] Do you need help finding something?

Me: Oh. [Realizing this person has no idea who I am] No, I guess not.

Stranger: Oh, okay.

Me: [Awkward silence] You see, I’m pretty sure you ate at the table across from me in the Drury Commons four years ago. I remember your face.

Stranger: [Silent.]

Me: You have a red freckle right . . . there. [Touches stranger's chin]

Stranger: What the hell, lady!?

Me: It’s . . . nice. Nice seeing you. Bye! [Retreats to hide in coat rack]

You see, when you make it a point to remember strangers’ faces, you start to confuse them with people you actually know. It’s bad. I don’t recommend it. Unless creepy is your thing.

Whoa There, Corn

One of the great things about being an introvert is that I spend most of my time inside my own head. I like I up there. It’s a nice 72 degrees, sunny with some cloud coverage, and there are lots of colorful houses and cute animals. The downside about spending so much time inside your own head, as any introvert can tell you, is that you tend to imagine scenarios at a rapid pace. Which means things gets out of control fast.

Many times, this makes for incredibly awkward social situations.

Sequence of events:

1. Person brings corn salad to party.

2. I have an internal dialogue with myself about all the reasons corn is an inferior vegetable.

3. People eat corn salad and seem to like it.

4. I think about how, actually, it's unfair to call corn an "inferior" vegetable, since it's so efficiently digested.

5. Someone walks very quickly in the direction of the bathroom. "That corn is moving really fast!"

6. I immediately come to the conclusion that this person is about to relieve their bowels in the bathroom. "HA! Bathroom time, is it?"

7. Horrified face from person.

8. I realize they were remarking on the popularity of the corn salad, not the fact that the corn was physically moving through them at a fast pace. 

You should probably know that numbers 7 and 8 didn't happen, only because I couldn't spit out my awkwardness faster than this guy was walking. But give it time, people. My imagination is going to catch up to me.