Eavesdropping: Usually Not Worth the Effort

Have you ever noticed that the conversations you try to listen in on end up being the most boring conversations you’ve ever heard? Strangers always have more interesting things to talk about than anyone you know.

Conversation between two people you know:

Kyle: And then I did the dishes.

Jen: Did you empty the dishwasher afterward?

Kyle: Yeah, I did.

Jen: Cool. That was responsible of you.

Conversation between two strangers:

Stranger 1: Actually, Humpback Whales use bubble nets to catch their prey.

Stranger 2: Bubble whats-its?

Stranger 1: Yeah, a group of them will swim upward together to create a barrier of bubbles, so their prey can’t escape.

Stranger 2: Huh.

You: THAT IS SO COOL!

Strangers: [Blank stares]

You: About the whales . . .

Conversation between two people you know:

Ron: You have something green on your chin.

Drew: Oh. Where?

Ron: There.

Drew: Oh. Broccoli from lunch.

Ron: Gross, dude.

Conversation between two strangers:

Stranger 1: Did you hear about Mr. Grinshlap?

Stranger 2: Mmhmm. I heard they found the body.

Stranger 1: No, well. Kind of.

Stranger 2: What do you mean, “kind of?”

Stranger 1: They found it. In pieces.

You: [Staring slack-jawed]

Stranger 2: I bet she did it.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever overheard?

Do the Creep

I’m a quiet person. I like to observe conversations before participating in them. Doesn’t sound too out of the ordinary, right? Nothing creepy here. Well, when you don’t talk a lot, you have more time to do two things:

1.  Listen

2. Stare at people

The first has come in handy. People like good listeners for some reason. I don’t really care if people are listening to me, unless I have something important to say. Most of the time I’m just babbling on about how good my spinach burger is. And how good can a spinach burger be, really?

Watching people while they speak is polite. It’s an indication that you’re listening. Staring at people happens when you continue to smile at someone after they’ve finished speaking. Or when you watch other people’s reactions instead of the person who’s talking.

Essentially, staring at people makes you a creep.

But I can’t help it! I love faces. All so different, all so expressive. It’s not my fault that your asymmetrical eyebrows are more interesting than the words spewing out of your mouth.

When you spend a lot of time staring at faces, this happens:

Me: [Wandering up to someone I see at the mall] Hi!

Stranger: Hi! [Thinking: “This girl’s exceptionally friendly.”]

Me: Oh! Do you work here?

Stranger: Yeah. [Wait. Why else would she say “hi”?] Do you need help finding something?

Me: Oh. [Realizing this person has no idea who I am] No, I guess not.

Stranger: Oh, okay.

Me: [Awkward silence] You see, I’m pretty sure you ate at the table across from me in the Drury Commons four years ago. I remember your face.

Stranger: [Silent.]

Me: You have a red freckle right . . . there. [Touches stranger's chin]

Stranger: What the hell, lady!?

Me: It’s . . . nice. Nice seeing you. Bye! [Retreats to hide in coat rack]

You see, when you make it a point to remember strangers’ faces, you start to confuse them with people you actually know. It’s bad. I don’t recommend it. Unless creepy is your thing.

Stranger Danger

What ever happened to “don’t talk to strangers”? When my parents taught me this, I figured I was to follow it for the rest of my life. But it seems like the older I get, the more likely I am to be approached by strangers who just want to chat casually. And I can’t figure out what makes these greasy 50-year-old men and jittery 13-year-old girls want to talk to me.  

[Looking at Halloween costumes at Party City]

Tween: I don’t understand why they don’t include the shoes in the costume.

Me: Hm. [Quickly starts to walk away]

Tween: [Sprints to catch up] What are you gonna be for Halloween?

Me: I don’t know. [Long pause, followed by a sigh] What are you going to be?

Tween: I don’t know. I was thinking about this costume, or this one, or this one too, but I also like this one.

This continues for what feels like half an hour, while I continue to grow more and more impatient. Finally, I just walk away and let her finish talking to herself.

Seriously, you never know who has a chainsaw in their pocket. I just wish I could show these friendly strangers once and for all that I’m not interested in talking to them.

Anyone have a chainsaw I could borrow? You know, just for the effect.