Eavesdropping: Usually Not Worth the Effort

Have you ever noticed that the conversations you try to listen in on end up being the most boring conversations you’ve ever heard? Strangers always have more interesting things to talk about than anyone you know.

Conversation between two people you know:

Kyle: And then I did the dishes.

Jen: Did you empty the dishwasher afterward?

Kyle: Yeah, I did.

Jen: Cool. That was responsible of you.

Conversation between two strangers:

Stranger 1: Actually, Humpback Whales use bubble nets to catch their prey.

Stranger 2: Bubble whats-its?

Stranger 1: Yeah, a group of them will swim upward together to create a barrier of bubbles, so their prey can’t escape.

Stranger 2: Huh.

You: THAT IS SO COOL!

Strangers: [Blank stares]

You: About the whales . . .

Conversation between two people you know:

Ron: You have something green on your chin.

Drew: Oh. Where?

Ron: There.

Drew: Oh. Broccoli from lunch.

Ron: Gross, dude.

Conversation between two strangers:

Stranger 1: Did you hear about Mr. Grinshlap?

Stranger 2: Mmhmm. I heard they found the body.

Stranger 1: No, well. Kind of.

Stranger 2: What do you mean, “kind of?”

Stranger 1: They found it. In pieces.

You: [Staring slack-jawed]

Stranger 2: I bet she did it.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve ever overheard?

AAAAAchoo

Has anyone every brought a habit or quirk of yours to your attention that you weren’t previously aware of? Or maybe they noticed a silver hair you’d never seen? It’s not the greatest feeling in the world. Afterward, you walk around overly conscious of whatever it is they pointed out. And then someone else notices this quirk, and then another person, and another. And the entire world gangs up on you and makes fun of your “sleep eating noises”.

Maybe that’s just me.

Several people have told me that when I’m falling asleep I move my jaw around and make chewing sounds. Like I’m eating out of a trough. That’s verbatim.

I also can’t have a normal reaction when I’m thirsty. It doesn’t feel right to simply say “I’m kinda thirsty.” No. I have to make a throat-clearing noise that sounds like a combination between a cat that had too much catnip and a dry heave.

When I have the hiccups, it’s usually just one hiccup. “Hi--,” and I’m done.

But I know I’m not the only one who suffers from strange body noises. I knew a girl in high school who sounded like she was screaming every time she sneezed. Poor thing. Sometimes her pre-sneeze sound made other people jump. I have a good friend who only coughs once. And it’s not even a giant lung-bruising cough—it’s more like one of those Victorian “I don’t approve” coughs. I’ve also been on the other side of the stall from someone who made an audible sigh of relief after urinating. Like it was the best feeling in the world.

Where do we pick these things up? Is there such a thing as a socially acceptable sneeze? Are my solo hiccups something to be ashamed of? What kind of strange body noises do you suffer from?