Here's to the Promises You Don't Intend to Keep

Oh, hey there, good people. Sorry it’s been so long. Something finally woke Mama Bear from her cookie-induced hibernation. It was the promise of Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice and a big, shiny ball.

You know why no one can ever keep their New Year’s resolution? I think it’s because we always pick something that’s just too hard to do. When I first started this blog, it was my goal to post twice a week. But things have been really busy at work lately, and the weekends have been full of baking, eating, and family reunions, so while it broke my heart to abandon you over the holidays, I just couldn’t find the time to post.

So, like any true American, my New Year’s resolution is to do something this year with a little less conviction than I did last year. Instead of setting a goal to post twice a week, I’m just going to make myself sit down at the computer for one hour every week. However many posts I can churn out in that time, well, that’s what you’re getting. God bless America.

And now, in honor of the New Year, I give you easier alternatives to some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions.

Common Resolution: Lose weight. Get healthy.

Alternative Resolution: Alright, you can diet. But it has to be the Cookie Diet. Dr. Siegal is a wise man: “Hunger wrecks diets!”

Common Resolution: Learn something new.

Alternative Resolution: Watch a movie about someone who learns something new. Like that Chasing Mavericks movie I never saw where Gerard Butler pretends to be Matthew McConaughey and teaches a kid about surfing and six-packs. 

Common Resolution: Get out of debt.

Alternative Resolution: A lottery ticket. A ski mask and a bank. A sugar daddy. The possibilities are endless for this one.

Common Resolution: Spend more time with family.

Alternative Resolution: FaceTime those suckers. It’s the twenty-first century.

Common Resolution: Be less stressed.

Alternative Resolution: Drink a little more.

Common Resolution: Drink less.

Alternative Resolution: Just drink something with a stronger proof. (Kidding, kidding.)

Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve!

If You Can't Get the Drawer Open, You're Not Doing it Right

You really do learn something new every day. But sometimes I’m reminded that you only learn something new every day simply because you weren’t smart enough to learn it way earlier.

Kitchen drawers. I thought I knew how to use them. And on my 23^rd birthday, I realized I didn’t. I’ve struggled to open my kitchen drawers ever since I moved into my apartment. I thought they were just really sticky. I have, in fact, broken several nails trying to pry them open. But on my 23^rd birthday as I was rummaging around for scissors, my boyfriend watched me fight the drawer, and then easily opened it from underneath.

Me: What the hell? How did you just do that?

Him: I used the handle.

Me: Handle? What handle? WHAT HANDLE!?

Him: The notch underneath the drawer.

Me: [Feels around for the notch, then easily slides the drawer open.] Oh my god. Do they all do this?

Him: Uhh, yeah. Wait. How have you been opening the drawers?

Me: [Pulls, groans, and yanks at the top corners of the drawer until it jerks open]

Him: [Jaw hanging open]

Me: [Pulls open every single drawer to make sure she can do it.] OH MY GOD. THEY ALL DO THIS!

My advice: Take time to observe and learn before it comes back to embarrass you.

p.s. Can you guess from the picture below what I decided to be for Halloween? I’m so stinkin’ excited.