Here's to the Promises You Don't Intend to Keep

Oh, hey there, good people. Sorry it’s been so long. Something finally woke Mama Bear from her cookie-induced hibernation. It was the promise of Welch’s Sparkling Grape Juice and a big, shiny ball.

You know why no one can ever keep their New Year’s resolution? I think it’s because we always pick something that’s just too hard to do. When I first started this blog, it was my goal to post twice a week. But things have been really busy at work lately, and the weekends have been full of baking, eating, and family reunions, so while it broke my heart to abandon you over the holidays, I just couldn’t find the time to post.

So, like any true American, my New Year’s resolution is to do something this year with a little less conviction than I did last year. Instead of setting a goal to post twice a week, I’m just going to make myself sit down at the computer for one hour every week. However many posts I can churn out in that time, well, that’s what you’re getting. God bless America.

And now, in honor of the New Year, I give you easier alternatives to some of the most popular New Year’s resolutions.

Common Resolution: Lose weight. Get healthy.

Alternative Resolution: Alright, you can diet. But it has to be the Cookie Diet. Dr. Siegal is a wise man: “Hunger wrecks diets!”

Common Resolution: Learn something new.

Alternative Resolution: Watch a movie about someone who learns something new. Like that Chasing Mavericks movie I never saw where Gerard Butler pretends to be Matthew McConaughey and teaches a kid about surfing and six-packs. 

Common Resolution: Get out of debt.

Alternative Resolution: A lottery ticket. A ski mask and a bank. A sugar daddy. The possibilities are endless for this one.

Common Resolution: Spend more time with family.

Alternative Resolution: FaceTime those suckers. It’s the twenty-first century.

Common Resolution: Be less stressed.

Alternative Resolution: Drink a little more.

Common Resolution: Drink less.

Alternative Resolution: Just drink something with a stronger proof. (Kidding, kidding.)

Have a safe and happy New Year’s Eve!

Sugarsugarsugarsugarsugar

Happy day after Halloween! I hope your stomachs are full and your candy bowls are empty. I’d like to share with you something that I think will make your future Halloweens a little more enjoyable. I’ve been following this ritual for a few years now, and I think it's helped me the recover in the days after Halloween.

This is my Halloween Diet.

Don’t be scared off by the word “diet.” Because this is really the best kind of diet—the kind where you eat more than you usually would, and not less.

Now that we’re adults, there’s no one more adult than us limit our candy intake. Remember the days when we could only eat a few pieces before bed, and when we woke up our candy bags were nowhere to be seen? Those days are no more, and it’s time we take advantage of it.

In order to enjoy Halloween candy to its fullest and binge-iest, it’s important to prepare in advance so you don’t suffer from stomachaches or throw up your Pixie Stix and ruin your Halloween night.

A few days before, just start gradually increasing your daily intake of sugar. You might suffer from twitches and spasms at first, but those will soon become fun. The day before Halloween, don’t eat any sugar. It’ll be the hardest night of your life (unless you’re a recovering crack addict), but just remember that you’ll be able to eat all the candy you want in one day.

Then, on Halloween, BINGE, BABY, BINGE.

Oh, and if you never figured out what my costume was: