Don't Judge a Book by its Semi-Erotic Cover

That whole “never judge a book by its cover” advice? Total crap. Unless you mean it figuratively speaking (most people do).

You can usually tell everything you need to know about a book by its cover. Does it have a dog on the cover? The dog dies on page 287. Does it have a renaissance painting on the cover? Count on some steamy scenes, an affair, a murder, and a lot of unnecessary exposition. If there’s an illustration on the cover, it’s an actual children’s book. A sepia photo of a girl on the cover? Don’t waste your time. Trust me.  

I use Goodreads to find books to put on my to-read list. It’s an easy way to keep track of what you’ve read, review books, and find new books that might interest you. AND—you can see the covers of books before you find them on the shelf.

I recently started reading a novel called What I Loved, which I found on Goodreads. I put it on hold at my library. This is the cover I expected:

Makes you think the book has something to do with art, right? Possibly a sad story, a tale of something lost?

This is the cover I got.

You can only imagine my face as the librarian handed it over to me.

Me: This isn’t what it looks like.

Librarian: No need to explain . . .

Me: No, really. It’s not a romance novel—I’m not into that stuff.

Librarian: It’s none of my business what you’re into.

Me: Wait, wait! Goodreads says: “New York 1975—art historian Leo Hertzberg discovers an extraordinary painting by an unknown artist in a SoHo gallery . . .”

Librarian: Fascinating set-up. If you’ll excuse me.

And then I leave, completely humiliated. WHY do people choose such horrible artwork for book covers? Don’t they know that visuals sell? You see the cover of a book before you read the back of it.

Meh. I guess it could’ve been worse. At least this wasn’t the cover:

Did you ever have a book cover take you by surprise? What’s the ugliest book cover you can remember seeing?

Apartment of Leaves

Did you ever read a book that seriously scared you? Stephen King haunts my childhood (nice parenting skills, Dad!). I’ve long since gotten over my fear of resurrected animals and evil vintage Plymouths, but the book I’m reading right now has awaken a new level of paranoia.

House of Leaves by Mark Z. Danielewski is fairly complicated to explain—but (generally) it's about a family that moves into a house only to discover that the inside of the house is much larger than the outside.

So while the neighbor's vacuum used to mean "Hey, the neighbor's vacuuming," it now means "A black hole is about to open up in the middle of my living room floor."

Before

A drunk person outside: “Please don’t throw up on the stairs. I have to walk down those in the morning.”

After

A drunk person outside: [Silent, wide-eyed terror] “He’s got a gun, and he’s going to shoot me in the forehead and leave a giant, bloody stain on the carpet.”

Before

Wind making moaning sounds: “Shut up.”

After

Wind making moaning sounds: “Oh my god. The apartment is building onto itself. And I don’t think it’s building a walk-in closet.”

Before

Airplane flying overhead: “Wonder where they’re traveling to/from.”

After

Airplane flying overhead: “Something at the foot of your bed is GROWLING. If you don’t move, it won’t see you. And then it can’t rip your throat out.”

I guess the fact that it's making me this crazy says a lot about the book. I think the main reason it’s so frightening is because it feels so real. What’s the scariest thing you’ve ever read?

By the way, I made a Humor Her Facebook page for you to like so you can stay up-to-date with blog posts. Shanks, guys and gals.

Library Torture Methods

Geek problem:

When you’re reading a book from the library and are notified that another book you have on hold is available for pickup. But it’s only available until Thursday. And you have approximately 700 pages left in your current book.

Cancelling that hold feels like cancelling Christmas.