Everything But the Bird

I’m a pescetarian. That’s a fancy word for saying “I eat fish, but no other kinds of meat.” It’s a “fancy word” because when I say “pescetarian” instead of “vegetarian,” I usually get a blank stare. Or a moment of silence where people look up “pescetarian” on their phones.

And it’s the time of year that everyone starts to take pity on me. “Oh, you don’t eat turkey? What do you eat at Thanksgiving? I can’t imagine a Thanksgiving without turkey! Do you even get enough to eat over the holidays?”

YES. And I’ll tell you what I eat at Thanksgiving. EVERYTHING BUT THE BIRD. So stop feeling so sorry for me! I feel bad for you. With all that bird in your belly, there’s less room for pie. While you’re sleeping off the tryptophan, I’m shoveling down the pumpkin, apple, and cherry goodness like it’s nobody’s business. And when you wake up, you’ll realize how foolish you were to pity my five-hundred-pound ass.

And the pie will be gone.

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving full of bird and/or pie.